Thursday, October 27, 2005

The Light at the End of the Tunnel May be Fiber Optic, But at Least It's a Light

This has been a week of ups and downs. The ups: a letter I wrote to my father telling him how I didn't want to remember him when he dies was well received by him and he wants to talk about it. The downs: my cousins' uncle just died of liver cancer and a guy from my church-going days overdosed on drugs and died while in rehab in Arizona.

So, when I read the blog entry from "Beauty and the Beltway" that I suggested to readers yesterday, I was struck by its depth and honesty. I characterized it as one of the best blogs I've read yet. For those who didn't read it, it's a piece by a young woman who considered suicide years ago, but was saved from acting out by a friend. Recently, this same friend killed herself.

The last four paragraphs of Abra Leigh Noelle's blog about her friend are worth repeating here:

Looking back on that spring day when I thought there was only one answer, I feel very foolish. Since then life has not always been easy. School is hard, work is hard, friends leave, relatives die, people hurt you, relationships end and there are hurricanes and earthquakes and mudslides to contend with. But it isn't all bad. If I look past all the hard times, bad boyfriends, betrayals, and long sleepless nights and focus on the positive, things look damn good.

I have a family that loves me, they drive me totally berserk but I love them back. I'm a college graduate with a decent future. I may not have many friends but the ones I have are very special to me. And while things didn't turn out the way I planned, I can honestly say that I was in love once with someone who loved me in return. I enjoy my life, and even though there are days that I fall onto the orange couch in tears I know tomorrow will probably be better.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that it gets better. You have to work at it and it can be really hard. But I have yet to meet anyone who lived and regretted it later. There are good things in life. Things worth experiencing, worth believing in. There are people worth knowing, worth loving. There are battles worth fighting even if you don't always win. And one day you'll look back on the day it was almost over and you'll feel foolish too, but mostly you'll just feel blessed.

My friend won't ever know that. She won't ever be able to understand the way I feel now. And that is the real tragedy, because I know one day she would have.

"I know it hurts. But it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we got." ~Garden State

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