Friday, March 23, 2007

Beta

I’ve decided that the female of the species is still in beta version.

When I get a migraine, all I want to do, in the initial stages, is pop my left eye ball out of its eye socket and soak it in a glass of cool water. The resultant hole in my head from the absent obicularus oculi would also serve to relieve the pressure that comes with said seismic migraine and all would be well.

If the migraine were too far advanced, however, I’d like hinges on my neck, so I could take my aching head off and set it on a shelf. Let it do its migrainy thing, then come back to it in 24 hours and put it back on my neck. In the interim, I could flick a switch on my hip or wherever and my back-up generator brain would kick in, allowing me to maintain my other necessary bodily systems like my heart and lungs until my main system is back online.

And how about that cycle every 28 days? Since I can’t seem to convince either my gynecologist or my internist to let me have a hysterectomy for my birthday—something I’ve been begging for for several years now—then I say, let my uterus be detachable. At the start of my monthly cycle, I’ll just take it out, stick it in a bucket in a dark corner, and let it do its thing for 3 – 5 days. At the end of its menstrual moment, I’ll take it out of the bucket, toss in the dishwasher, give it a good cleansing, and stick it back in it’s pelvic pocket—brand-spanking new and ready for another month of lining itself and flipping eggs out of my ovaries and into its cushy recesses.

One of these days, God and I are gonna have a talk. And I’m not talkin’ some rinky-dink little, “Gee, golly, God, I love that You created Gerbera daisies. They’re just so friendly and all.” Unh-uh. No sirree. I’m talkin’ the serious talk. The talk about how God made the beta version of females and then suspended all funding for further R&D, clinical trials, and whatnot. I'm tellin' ya, He quit too soon in the research and trials. And men were obviously the control group, because if God ever had had a period, believe you me, He would tossed the research protocol and started over again.

So there!

10 comments:

Di said...

I think it's time to do a bit of doctor shopping, frankly. If you can't find a doctor or gynecologist who will go the hysterectomy route, I'll be shocked. Seriously, look around. Even though it's major surgery, which isn't pleasant, it's also AWESOME. And it's been known to help with migraines as well. It's like an appendix - if you don't need it and it ain't working right, off with its head!!

JMK said...

I'm beginning to think the same thing. I'm tired of telling people I want a hysterectomy and then having them tell me, "Oh, no, you don't want to do that/shouldn't do/it won't be good for you."

I'd really like to find a fair and balanced response to the pros and cons of a hysterectomy. If the only cons are I'd have to take HRTs and the risk for cancer goes up, all I can say to those are: a) I'm already taking Advil, Motrin, Estroven, and Relpax for all of this, so what's a little HRT? And b) whether or not I have a uterus, I'm at risk for cancer anyway. I mean, hell, my grandfather died of leukemia, my grandmother had polycythemia, I have fair skin which puts me at risk for skin cancer. I mean, geez, let's face it: we're ALL at risk for some kind of cancer, so that argument doesn't hold water for me. As for "inability to become pregnant" being a con, that's not even a dealbreaker for me, since I don't want to bear children anyway. If I have kids, I'll adopt.

I'd like to hear the positives too--the biggest being no hormonal swings, migraines, or menstruation would be the biggies for me.

But hey, what do I know? It's only my body and my hormones we're talking about here.... Maybe I should move to Switzerland....

Mary Ellen said...

I could ask Becky Linford--friend of Lee P. and irreverent Mormon comedienne who did a reenactment at Sunstone of Emma Smith pushing Eliza R. Snow down the stairs using Barbies--about hers. She's in your neck of the woods, J.

Besides, you wouldn't get any good drugs in Switzerland.

JMK said...

ME: You're right about the meds in Switzerland. Maybe I could stock up ahead of time.... I always forget that Becky L. is in this area, though truth be told, I can't put a face with her name to save my life. Still, ask away. If she has a doctor she can recommend, I'd love it.

Oh, that's the other thing: one of the reasons doctors won't give hysters "unnecessarily" or "upon request" is because it violates their Hypocratic Oath. Whatever. Like I care. I'm the one asking for this; I'll sign a waiver taking responsibility, if that's what I have to do.

Okay, obviously, I'm a little cranky today. Hmph.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

My SIL and I talked just tonight about her hysterectomy and migraines being way less often since she had one...in fact, her reason for needing one was to eliminate the migraine she got every menstrual cycle.

And...I have my period lately every frickin' two weeks. Seriously. I have it for 5 days, then ten days after it ends, AGAIN. I'm so damn sick if it I'd like to take my uterus out as well.

JMK said...

SML: See? Seriously! After you've had your kids (or even if you haven't had kids) what's the point of going through this crap every month. I say cut the damn thing out and be done with it!

Di said...

So, let's do away with the myths about hysterectomies. First, unless there is something specifically wrong with your ovaries, they remain in - and functioning - until a natural menopause age (there is some research that suggests this causes menopause 2-3 years earlier than 'normal,' to which I say, so what?). A hysterectomy (usually supracervical in the US) is in fact ONLY the removal of the uterus. There must be a double oopherectomy (sp?) for the ovaries to also come out. Therefore, you don't need to take any drugs after hysterectomy, and that includes HRT of any kind. Sometimes ovaries do spontaneously stop working after a hysterectomy, but sometimes people die during surgery too. They are not common occurrences.

According to my doctors, and the chief of surgery here, and to my own research, the hysterectomy itself does not increase the risk for any type of cancer. We're already, for instance, at higher risk of breast cancer because we didn't bear children AND breast feed them. That's no reason to have children - it's just different life circumstances.

I'm happier every day with my decision to get the hysterectomy. And the women I've talked to about it (three who are close to me - two my age or slightly younger, one older than me) are all resoundingly happy for having had one too.

I say keep trying. I suspect things will only get worse the older you get, until menopause. So keep pushing for what you want. Build a case for it. I was lucky because my doctor here took one history of my case, did one quick blood test and saw my anemia, and recommended - ON MY FIRST VISIT TO HER EVER - that I should have the surgery. I had it just over a month later. Ahhh. (Heavy bleeding is dangerous over the long term, and the physical pain and potential professional impact of being, ahem, indisposed for several days are _reason enough_.)

Just sayin of course. ;-)

JMK said...

Di: Thank you for that info!

I've just been to the Mayo Clinic's site and they have some of the best, most objective information I've read (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/hysterectomy/HQ00905.) I also looked at the U.S. government's website, Women's Health (http://www.4woman.gov/faq/hysterectomy.htm) and found some of their information less helpful only because they use unnecessary alarmist words like "tragic" which makes me think some fundie, pro-lifer wrote their web text.

Anyway--I'm going to keep asking around. Having been without insurance for the last year, it's been almost two years since I've been to the GYN. I'll be making an appointment in the next couple of weeks and will report that I've followed the regimen she suggested: two Advil a day beginning 10 days prior to my period, plus a vitamin regimen. While that regimen has helped slightly, it hasn't been consistently effective. And, I'm really not interested in going on birth control. Frankly, I'd rather just be done with all of this.

Anyway--thanks again for the info and the testimonial!

Gunfighter said...

Ich hab' meine post gemacht, Janet.

JMK said...

GF: Ich hab's heute morgen fruh gelesen. War sehr gut und ich denke noch daran...

JMK