I’ve decided that the female of the species is still in beta version.
When I get a migraine, all I want to do, in the initial stages, is pop my left eye ball out of its eye socket and soak it in a glass of cool water. The resultant hole in my head from the absent obicularus oculi would also serve to relieve the pressure that comes with said seismic migraine and all would be well.
If the migraine were too far advanced, however, I’d like hinges on my neck, so I could take my aching head off and set it on a shelf. Let it do its migrainy thing, then come back to it in 24 hours and put it back on my neck. In the interim, I could flick a switch on my hip or wherever and my back-up generator brain would kick in, allowing me to maintain my other necessary bodily systems like my heart and lungs until my main system is back online.
And how about that cycle every 28 days? Since I can’t seem to convince either my gynecologist or my internist to let me have a hysterectomy for my birthday—something I’ve been begging for for several years now—then I say, let my uterus be detachable. At the start of my monthly cycle, I’ll just take it out, stick it in a bucket in a dark corner, and let it do its thing for 3 – 5 days. At the end of its menstrual moment, I’ll take it out of the bucket, toss in the dishwasher, give it a good cleansing, and stick it back in it’s pelvic pocket—brand-spanking new and ready for another month of lining itself and flipping eggs out of my ovaries and into its cushy recesses.
One of these days, God and I are gonna have a talk. And I’m not talkin’ some rinky-dink little, “Gee, golly, God, I love that You created Gerbera daisies. They’re just so friendly and all.” Unh-uh. No sirree. I’m talkin’ the serious talk. The talk about how God made the beta version of females and then suspended all funding for further R&D, clinical trials, and whatnot. I'm tellin' ya, He quit too soon in the research and trials. And men were obviously the control group, because if God ever had had a period, believe you me, He would tossed the research protocol and started over again.